Recently, I came across a post that quoted "Celebrate yourself. Nobody knows what it takes to be you." How true and personally for me, IRONIC. I get so many compliments and DM's on "how confident I am," "how I carry myself," "my sense of fashion" and sometimes I even get asked "how do you do it?" Believe me when I tell you, this didn't happen overnight. Today, I want to share with you where I came from, how I manage to pursue my dreams and career in fashion even through adversity and to assure you, you can do it too. When I first started this blog in 2012, the original objective didn't revolve around fashion and style. The point was to freely express myself and more importantly, FIND MYSELF. I struggled with depression, anxiety and very, very low self esteem during that time. I was so unconfident to the point that I was terrified to verbally express myself and thoughts to others, even my close friends and family. That lack of confidence and self love resulted in me choosing to settle for 1-sided relationships with men who didn't deserve me, who treated me like shit and led so many people to believe they could walk all over me... and at that point in my life, they could. I shied away from standing up for myself. It was almost like I had no identity and that's a very scary feeling. I'd put other people before me and even would protect the ones that did me so dirty. I let depression really get the best of me and lost myself for a few years. Literally spiraled out of control.
You never know what people go through until they tell you .., so let me tell you.
In a nutshell— When a person goes through traumatic experiences like losing my mom at 7 and actually having to hold her up in a bathroom until the ambulance arrived just to be told she was dead, no father around to console or protect me (ever) and then losing both my grandmother and my great-grandmother a couple years apart while I was in college, it's hard NOT to fall under depression. And can you imagine what my grades were like, terrible. I couldn't even finish school for my English degree and that was devastating to me because I did the best I could do in pushing myself through depression. I felt like I failed myself and my family. I came home to chaos, finding out I had family stealing from me. Unbelievable, right? At first, I questioned God as to why me? What did I do to deserve all these L's? I've lost so many people who hold high positions in my life, even recently lost a child early January of this year and that hurt more than anything. I still think about how my baby would've looked, who they would've grown to be and how life would be today. I don't think I'm ever going to stop thinking about that, even when I have children in the future. However, what's crazy is that that experience pushed me to go even harder to honor the life I briefly had inside of me. Life became way more real to me and so did my dreams, vision and goals. I'm so in love with my strength and that's really how I do it. One thing for sure, this all continues to teach me never question God. All these "L's" teach me how to FIGHT and to get through whatever life throws my way and to keep focused. Keep grinding. And really, these "L's" really arent losses but lessons. God is so real and when you ask, He answers. I'm on a path to success and it excites me that I'm able to do what I love in fashion. I'm learning day by day and I'm so excited to learn more as well as do more within the industry. That long path of pain, disappointment, depression and confusion has led me to where I am today.
All along, I didn't know that my blog would blossom into what it is today and during that hard time I didn't think I’d have the potential or strength to blossom into who I am today. This little girl would’ve never thought! And I owe it to her cause she’s been through so much.
I did not know that finding self-expression in how I dressed would flip into a career in wardrobe styling. In 2012, I never thought or dreamt that a blog I made to express my thoughts just because I was too scared to speak out loud would touch the lives of others. I've literally grown with this blog and am now ready to continue to help others grow and find themselves through inspiration and fashion using this platform. I’m currently collaborating with one of my closest friends, Mykeena, on a collection— mgcollections.co — and will be attending Misa Hylton Fashion Academy this fall for my certification in wardrobe styling!!! (Who’s cutting onions?) I’m focused on doing whatever it takes to get to it and I’m so proud of who I am becoming. If I could tell my younger self advice it would be “you’re gonna become bigger than you think and I promise you that.” True definition and meaning of "your steps are ordered." I am still working towards bigger and better for Killastylez blog and brand so stay tuned for updates.
Listen… without struggle, there's nothing to overcome. Without life's challenges, there's nothing to push you to want more from life and to fight for what brings you light, GOD AND YOUR PASSION. Turn your pain into passion and blossom into whatever you put your mind to. Envision it and be it.
You owe it to yourself.